Startling News

It’s with great pleasure and a significant amount of relief that I announce the following developments—all in one day.

  • President Obama, at a surprise early-morning press conference, has acknowledged the anguish, increased costs, and rationing that his healthcare bill has set in motion. Upon further reflection, he is joining the lawsuits being brought by a number of states to declare the act unconstitutional.
  • Educators throughout the country have determined that the approach they have taken to produce world-class education for all Americans has been a dismal failure. Henceforth, they are committing themselves to a strict regimen of phonics, logical reasoning, and an emphasis on the Christian roots of American history.
  • The Supreme Court, in a most unusual move, has ruled (without even a case being brought to it) that all previous decisions removing religion from the public square were in themselves unconstitutional, thus reversing decades of precedent.
  • In a related development, the Court expressed regret for overturning 44 states laws restricting abortion and pledged to uphold the sanctity of human life in future cases.
  • In the Congress, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi abruptly resigned their leadership positions, telling their Democratic colleagues to revote and allow Republicans Mitch McConnell and John Boehner to take their places. They cited the massive resistance to Obamacare and their abysmal favorability numbers in the latest polls as the rationale.
  • Somewhere in the mountainous region of Pakistan, American Rangers discovered a new Osama bin Laden tape—video, not audio only—in which the emaciated, despotic leader of Al Qaeda, accidentally blew himself up while demonstrating how to use his patented suicide bomber vest. All of his associates promptly surrendered to the authorities.
  • And finally, a survey of all baseball writers have unanimously predicted that the Chicago Cubs will be this year’s World Series champions.

Happy April Fools Day, everyone!